


Your Move

by appending_fic



Category: Homestuck, Yu-Gi-Oh!
Genre: Apocalypse, Card Games, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Gen, Heart of the Cards, Swearing, screw the rules
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-25
Updated: 2013-12-25
Packaged: 2018-01-06 03:27:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1101840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/appending_fic/pseuds/appending_fic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I told her not to fucking play card games for girls! I told her it would end in tears, but she didn't fucking listen to me, and now what the hell is going on? Demons raining down from the heavens like a good old-fashioned horrorterror blizzard!"</p>
<p>Or, how Vriska sealed the fate of the universe, and what everyone did after that. Yu-gi-Oh/Homestuck snippet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Your Move

"Ha!!!!!!!!" Vriska slammed down a card, grinning at her opponent. "With Heavy Storm, I wipe out all your spell and trap cards, leaving you open for attack!" Her grin became sharper, a wicked smirk. "You shouldn't have challenged me, cue8all. Didn't anyone tell you? I have all the luck! Aaaaaaaall of it!!!!!!!!"

"I was aware of your nature since before this duel began," Doc Scratch replied evenly. "I knew that you would rely on the manipulation of probability to draw the cards most advantageous to you, just as I knew you would alter the distribution of my cards to be disadvantageous to me. I knew all of this. But I also knew that this duel was necessary. A Shadow Game is one of the necessary conditions to bring about my death."

Vriska snorted. "Do you think I'm going to 8ack off just 8ecause you're going to die? Face it, 8uddy, I've killed hundreds - thousands of trolls! You're no different."

"I was aware you believe that," Doc Scratch said, maddeningly calm. "And yet you have not attacked. It is possible you feel some hesitation, concern about my declaration that this duel would end with the summoning of Lord English."

"You've lost!!!!!!!! Lord English isn't going to show up to save your pasty ass," Vriska said. "Time Wizard, attack!"

The energy blast struck Doc Scratch in his giant cue-ball head, which cracked, and, under the strain of the Shadow Realm, began to fracture more. The head shifted, and Vriska could feel a prickling sensation, like she was being stared at-

Monstrous limbs tore out of Doc Scratch's sleeves, and his cue ball head exploded, revealing a terrifying face, a lime-green skull. The permanent grin seemed to widen.

"He never said I was going to show up to save him," Lord English declared. "Sucker."

=====>

"I told her not to fucking play card games for girls! I told her it would end in tears, but she didn't fucking listen to me, and now what the hell is going on? Demons raining down from the heavens like a good old-fashioned horrorterror blizzard!"

Dave settled down to watch the show, because hey, birds gotta fly, fish gotta swim, and Karkat gotta get all the blubbering rage out. And Dave could sort of sympathize, what with Vriska falling for a trap so obvious Scratch had all but given her an engraved letter with an RSVP on it, 'Please Attend My Trap, Four o'Clock. Tea Will Not Be Served.'

But then, if she hadn't done it, some other douchebag would've taken up Doc Scratch's duel, because dude knew how to lay down a challenge. There were rumors there was some King of Games around, probably would've shown up to mess up Scratch's shit, and maybe things would be worse, although Dave was not eager to imagine how.

"ChIlL, mY gOoD bRo," Gamzee said, patting Karkat's back. "wE'rE gOnNa FiNd A wAy To FuCk Up ThAt DeMoN's ShIt."

"Y34h, K4rk4t, th1s 1s noth1ng!" Terezi gave Karkat a viciously cheerful grin.

"I appreciate the fucking sympathy, but can any of you nook-sniffers PLAY THIS FUCKING GAME?"

There was a complicated glance between the assembled humans and trolls. John was the first to talk, chuckling nervously. "Ha ha, I started trying to read the rules, but it got really confusing pretty quickly!"

"Yeah, the game's g0t all these weird excepti0ns and sub-rules. I gave up when I saw the stuff ab0ut Ex0dia," Sollux grumbled.

"So how the fuck are we going to stop him?"

Silence greeted Karkat's demand.

=====>

"Did I thank you for saving my ass back there?"

"Yeah, twice already! It was really nothing!"

"Don't sell yourself short, bro. You preserved a fucking national treasure. Hundreds of years from now, the world will still sing your praises for ensuring this fine piece of ass survived the Apocalypse." Dirk swung down from his perch on the window in the tiny apartment his savior and the guy's friends were holed up in.

"Uh, Yug? Are you sure this guy's all right?" Joey froze when Dirk's head swung toward him, even though he was certain he'd spoken too quietly to be heard.

"I am not all right. None of us are fucking all right," Dirk drawled. "There is a fucking demon kicking around out there, and I know shit about killing demons."

Yugi bit his lip, glancing at his other friends, before looking back at Dirk. "Well, I was going to try fighting him when we ran into you."

Dirk snorted. "Wouldn't expect such fucking huge balls on a kid your size."

"Hey!" Yugi's friend Joey lurched to his feet, hands in fists. "Are you looking for an ass-kicking?"

"If you want to, I can bring it," Dirk retorted. He didn't shift a millimeter, though, knowing that it would either chill Joey out or send him into a murderous rage. You know, whichever. "But I was just complimenting my man, here, for his fucking enormous balls. This is grade-A heroics, threatening to take on a demon with nothing more than...what were you going to fight him with?"

Yugi actually flushed, whether because of Dirk's language or his clearly evident lack of a plan, Dirk didn't know.

"I was planning to challenge him to a game of Duel Monsters," Yugi replied.

Dirk corrected himself. Yugi had blushed because he had the worst. plan. ever.

"Dude," he said. "I don't think anyone in the history of anything has killed someone using a Cardkind specibus."

"I have," Yugi retorted hotly, and then paused, glancing at his friends. "Well, sort of. Look, ancient sorcerers used to use magic to summon real Duel Monsters to fight. Cecilia Pegasus developed a card game based on those duels, and I'm..."

"He's the best there is," one of the women in the little group drawled. "He even beat himself at the game, and that's saying something."

"And it was how Lord English was summoned," Yugi said, almost apologetically. "People like that can't help accepting challenges to Shadow Games."

"You realize he basically cheated his way into existence, right?" Dirk asked. "And did it facing a troll who had the ability to literally manipulate luck."

"Being lucky might be nice," Yugi said, "but I've always relied on the Heart of the Cards."

"...What."

=====>

Lord English stared at the mortals who had challenged him. Normally, he would just beat/shoot them with his cane/gun. But...the challenge burned at him. It made him thirst for the delight of drawing the last card and seeing them destroyed by the magic of his monsters.

"It is an unfair match, the two of you against me," Lord English declared. "So my Imperial Handmaiden will join me for a tag-team match." He let his grin leer at them. "You will play against the Lord of Time and the creator of Duel Monsters!"

Cecilia Pegasus, the billionaire owner of Industrial Illusions, stepped out of Lord English's shadow, grinning with the vicious smirk of a troll.

"If you think a rematch with Pegasus scares me, you've got another thing coming!" Yugi retorted. "Dirk?"

"We're doing this, bro," Dirk growled.

The world plunged into shadow, and an unearthly chill suffused Dirk's bones. Oh, it was on.

There's a ritual to start the fucking game, shuffling the cards and letting your opponents cut your cards. It's like having fucking tea before a nuclear apocalypse. Ironic as hell.

And then Yugi went, summoning his Kuriboh, some weak-ass shit he was going to trap or magic the hell out of, but before he went-

"I'm Already Here," Lord English announces. Two cards in his hand flashed and vanished, and he lay another down, summoning...

Li'l Cal. Something about his smile freaked Dirk the fuck out. It was not helped when the puppet slapped Kuriboh, destroying the little puffball and sending Yugi reeling.

"What was that?" Yugi demanded.

Lord English fixed Yugi with the hellish glare of his flickering eyeballs. "If you aren't bright enough to figure out my strategy, I don't see why I need to enlighten you. Go ahead. Finish your turn."

Yugi shakily put down another card - a trap or something, Dirk hoped, because Pegasus, the Imperial Condesce, dropped a series of monsters ready to hack their shit up.

But that was okay, because Yugi had his Lightforce Swords to hold them back. Enough time for Dirk to pull off his master plan. He drew a card, and felt the tiniest of smirks appear on his lips. It was falling into place. He dropped one of the monsters whose only use was putting up a barrier between his opponent and his Life Points.

Lord English stared at the Lightforce Swords for a long moment after drawing. At last, he set down another card. "I play A Thousand Faces," he announced. Li'l Cal flickered before appearing in front of Yugi, punching him in the face.

"I've never even heard of that card!" Yugi snapped.

"Of course not," Pegasus purred. "I made these cards to aid my Lord following his glorious arrival. I didn't dare sell them to you lowbloods."

Yugi shakily drew, and smiled weakly before laying that card face-down. The Condesce barely took time to draw before attacking Yugi with her monsters, discovering that Yugi had found his Mirror Force card, wiping out the Condesce's forces in one stroke.

And Dirk drew. He didn't smile, because this had to be a fucking surprise.

"You're not going to win," Lord English said flatly. Dirk shrugged and placed his other spare card face down.

"Hell, I know you think that," he replied. "Doesn't mean I'm going to wimp out. Giving up is for losers, you annoying fuck."

"I know you intend to fight to the bitter end. I remember beating you. I remember condemning your soul to the Shadow Realm, consuming your flesh-"

"There's only enough room on my dance card for one English, dude, and you are not my type."

"HOO HAH. I have no interest in engaging in any human mating rituals. I have no interest in your depraved...fondness for your friend." Lord English drew a card and his smile became harsher. Li'l Cal's head flickered, and a set of goggles appeared on his eyes. "I want to look at someone's cards..."

Dirk's blood chilled; if Lord English saw his hand, he'd know what Dirk was doing. But the demon took a peek at Yugi's hand, and Dirk felt calmer, at least. He barely paid attention until it was his turn again.

"Boy. Dirk." His hand was an inch from his deck, but he paused and looked at the demon, whose grin hadn't changed. "Let's play a game."

"What, you want to forfeit this one?" Dirk asked.

"I want to make a bet. I want to bet what the card on the top of your deck is."

Dirk raised an eyebrow. "We're already playing for the fate of the universe. What do I get if you're wrong?"

"If I'm wrong, you win the game," Lord English said. "Because I bet...that card is not the Head of Exodia." He raised a clawed hand, in which he held the card he'd named. "Did you think you could beat me with such a simple plot? I am the LORD OF TIME! I've played this game a thousand times, and you can't win!" The Head of Exodia, stolen from Dirk's deck during the shuffling phase, burned to ashes in Lord English's hands. "So go ahead. Draw."

Dirk stared at the demon. He knew he should feel furious or frightened. But...he felt the same exhilarated calm he'd felt when Yugi talked about the game.

"You don't know anything about this game," Dirk drawled.

"I have beaten better players than you," Lord English roared.

"You beat Vriska," Dirk replied. "Because she relied on luck, and you and I know this game isn't about luck. Relying on luck is how we got an immortal demon running around with his his corporate shill. Hell, it isn't even about the rules. In a pinch, you can screw the rules, and everyone else can just shut the fuck up about it."

"This does not change the fact that you cannot win," Lord English intoned.

"Really? This game used to be about real magic. The monsters were weapons magicians used to wage war. And do you know where these monsters came from? People commended their souls to the Shadow Realm, so that their friends could use them as tools to fight with! This has been going on for thousands of years, and your tool over there resurrected it."

Dirk took a deep breath and let his hand drift down to his deck.

"So I guess what I'm saying, is, you should have thought twice before playing Duel Monsters against the Prince of Heart."

He drew from the top of the deck, and lifted the card to his eyes. He felt a real, non-ironic smile burn its way onto his face.

"WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SMILE ABOUT?" Lord English roared.

"Motherfucking miracles."

Dirk slammed the five pieces of Exodia down even as they began to glow with the eldritch light of the Shadow Realm, summoning the unstoppable Exodia to kill the unstoppable Lord English, and he screamed and ranted that he couldn't die, that nothing could destroy him-

But he'd lost, the Rules said so.

So what could he do?

**Author's Note:**

> Wooo. This stupid thing has been in my head forever, so I just wanted to share it. Hope you enjoyed it.


End file.
